That Dreamless Sleep

Why embrace it early?

There is an interesting poll and conversation in the Post's "Funny?" chat today. It concerns suicide, and the circumstances under which one believes it is okay, right, or acceptable.

I think suicide, if you can rationally choose to do so, is a horrible mistake. I have only two exceptions--one if you take the previous sentence at full value. Because when you "rationally" decide, I take that to mean the person does not suffer from a mental disorder which colors their view of the universe or their own reality. If a person has such a disorder, we cannot comprehend what would lead them to make any decisions, including the decision to take one's life. So they get a pass on the immorality of the issue.

The only "real" exception is in the case of terminal illness that has progressed to the point where even a cure couldn't save the person. That is, if they have been so debilitated by disease or injury that even removal of said disease/injury would not save them. You may then choose to prematurely end your life, with my blessing.

The rest of you contemplating or attempting suicide? F*ck off with yourselves. The world is a big place, and there is always an answer somewhere. Even if that answer is to die in a hail of gunfire doing something important, it is better than suicide.

I don't mean to be insensitive to those people who have tried to off themselves, or those who were close with people who succeeded. I feel for you. But this is it, people. This life is what you get. If it is particularly hard, then change it. But every little thing, good and bad, that happens to you will cease to exist if you choose the suicide exit.

This is less a suicide-prevention issue and more an issue of perspective. Too many people live day in and day out ignoring the fact that there is not only a larger world, but an entire universe. So I cannot imagine a scenario (outside of those mentioned above) where suicide would be the only option to relieve suffering.

Prison? Read some books and better yourself.
Horrible OZ-style prison? I would kill my tormentors, or die trying.
Massive debt or financial woes? Bankruptcy, move to Idaho, open a diner. Move to a different country. Buckle down and pay it off.
Somebody doesn't love you anymore? Get over it. Seriously, you can't be so self-centered as to truly believe you are unique in that situation. Grieve for your lost love, and move on. Take a year! Take five! But move on.

Death is not a bad thing. Embracing it early, at your choice, with no positive outcome other than your own relief (theoretically--who knows what happens after you die) is the hallmark of cowards and the supremely ignorant.

UPDATE: Linked in Gene's chat was an article a woman wrote about her father's suicide. In it was this paragraph:

Suicide is a desperate act, but it is also a hostile act. It begets more hostility. It gives the survivors the perfect opportunity to express all their real feelings about one another, good and bad. Years of petty resentments, years of unmentioned slights and snubs, grab center stage.

Couldn't have said it better myself--this is why it is cowardly in many cases. You want to tell them how pissed you are, but you know it's not black and white so you do so in the only way that gives you the last word. You are afraid to truly confront the people you choose to hurt with suicide, including yourself. It is a terrible, terrible choice.

Three(ish) Things

Thing the First:

Heroes, man. This show is KILLING me. Two weeks I declared, openly and loudly, that the show was really pushing its luck and would have one more chance to make me interested.

Then, it was good. Last week's had action and moved the plot along and nobody was exceptionally stupid as is the usual course of business at Heroes Inc.

This did not last, sadly. Monday's episode was at the top of its game, idiocy-wise, and I am now thankful that a writer's strike is occurring because maybe the show will stop being on TV for awhile.

First of all, to call Peter a moron is to insult morons. He can read minds but he doesn't read Adam's? He doesn't question why he would untie the woman who has tried to kill them, when even a blind monkey could tell you he was planning to eliminate her? And then, even though he knows Hiro personally he decides that he has to beat him down to protect the guy that doesn't die. Also, his weird obsession with some chick he abandoned in the future, and his completely irrational idea that preventing the plague will somehow help her, makes me want to push his stupid superface into a wall.

Don't get me wrong, everybody else in the show was stupid too--Hiro could prevent problems by saying "Dude, I went back in time and Adam tried to release the virus in 1977" but instead it's all weird posturing. Claire has made some vague threat about going public, with the idea that this will somehow damage Veronica Mars, but her cheerleader logic escapes me. And Suresh is still setting the stupid bar far lower than most doctorate-holders could imagine.

I don't even like Sylar anymore. He has no powers, he's annoying, and I'm really hoping that someone sticks a(nother) sword through him. I am convinced at this point that a plague killing 93% of the earth's population would be great as long as it guaranteed the death of everyone on this show.

Thing the Second:

I was righteously indignant about something else this morning, but I cannot for the life of me remember what it was.

Thing the Third:

I go to Starbucks regularly. So sue me. I don't mind when my co-patrons come with friends, but when all three or four or (god forbid) FIVE of them stand together right in front of the pick-up counter, it makes my eyes glaze over with murderous rage. EVEN AFTER PEOPLE HAVE TO "EXCUSE ME" THROUGH THE IDIOTS, THEY DON'T MOVE.

Perhaps I am angry today, or something. But just as with inattentive drivers, people who stand around on the street or in places of business and cause trouble for everyone else, through their sheer inability to observe their surroundings, are making life a little less pleasant for everyone around them. Cut that shit out.

OnetwothreeGO!

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Witness something extraordinary
2. Travel to... almost anywhere outside the US. This one should be easily achieved.
3. Achieve nirvana?

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Sam
2. Samuel if I'm being called for attendance.
3. Sammy if you're cruisin' for a bruisin'.

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. sammyb78 (i know, see #3 in previous, shut up)
2. volcanogod (good ol' quake!)
3. sjb (at work)

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I am glad I am tall.
2. I have pretty good-sized shoulders. Not good for shirt-buying though.
3. ... (I don't have any issues, but "like" implies a preference for over other things; I don't think I'm that wedded to any other part of me).

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. German
2. French
3. Hillbilly.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Nothing scares me, but I don't like:
2. needles or blood
3. large or particularly disgusting bugs

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Car keys
2. Computer
3. Caffeine of some kind.

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Shoes
2. Shirt
3. Service.

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE BANDS/MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. I still like The Shins
2. Also, any sad bastard music hits the spot right now.
3. R.E.M.?

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE SONGS:
(I just noticed, is this poll British?)
1. The cover of Working Class Hero by Green Day
2. This is really hard without my iPod in hand.
3. Guilty pleasure: that stupid song by Fergie about not crying or something.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. I plead the fifth on this one.
2. Really.
3. Move along.

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I can count to ten in 4 languages.
2. I work best alone.
3. I know how to drive a stick-shift.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
(My preferred sex? Or have we as a society agreed to prefer one?)
1. Eyes. Not just having them, but pretty ones.
2. Neck.
3. All that obvious stuff like boobs and butt.

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:
1. I got yer hobbies right here, mister.
2. Video games.
3. Movies.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Be done with work for the day.
2. Be okay with stuff.
3. Fly.

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. PR flack (done and done)
2. Political hack (maybe someday)
3. Writer (because what blogger doesn't wish they had the talent for full novel writing?)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Europe.
2. Fiji.
3. Back to the Caribbean.

THREE KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Ophelia (if I don't like the kid)
2. Henry (I still say it's a good name)
3. Natasha.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. I have feelings?
2. I use hair product.
3. Yeah, gossip. I do that.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. I have all the required parts.
2. I don't talk about my feelings.
3. I will hit you. No, not YOU. That guy.

Although, I don't know that "stereotypical" works in this area, because with today's gender-bending culture, the only real norm is physical anatomy (and even that is alterable). I mean, around here, hair product is pretty popular with The Boys.

They Have the Plant But We Have the Power...

I know there is some discontent among the nation's TV watchers over the current Writers Guild strike. But who can make any sense of the whole complicated thing?

It is in these times of confusion and despair that the Internet community turns to me, someone with no insider knowledge and only a superficial understanding of the key issues involved, to explain the whole mess. Thus, I present to you:

Whiny Hacks Who Get to Live a Hollywood Lifestyle While Still Being Unattractive
vs.
Soulless Corporate Machines That Would Rather All Human Existence Were Under Their Control ala The Matrix

The writers think they're getting screwed out of money. Of course they are. We're ALL getting screwed out of money, every day. They have a point though, in that they don't get paid squat for "new media". This is because they have really shitty contracts and, apparently, shitty agents. And the major studios and media companies have excellent lawyers that do nothing but think of ways to screw writers (and actors; and directors; and anybody who isn't them).

Sympathy for the writers begins to wan, however, when one realizes that the money they lose out on comes in the form of residuals. Residuals are when you get paid well after a TV show or movie is actually produced, because it is distributed in DVD form or played in syndication. Everybody involved in these shows gets a check (size depends on involvement in the production, usually) anytime the media they helped create is reproduced or replayed.

First of all, "everybody" in the preceding paragraph doesn't mean technical people. Grips, stagehands, and others usually get nothing except their weekly paycheck. Writers, actors, directors and producers get the residuals.

Second of all, this concept--which is very dear to Hollywood--likely seems quite foreign to most Americans. If I write an outstanding brief, I may get a bonus (hah!) but if my brief is used as a template for years to come, will I see a penny? Nope. This is true for most professions; you're paid for your work and that's that. So when actors/writers complain that they "need" residuals to get them through the lean times, most people are highly unsympathetic. I would love for my work today to carry me through unemployment in 2009, but it's not going to happen.

Of course, despite being a little out-of-touch with what most people would consider "fair compensation", it is still this uninformed writer's opinion that the WGA is the side to support. For one thing, out-of-touch does not equate to wrong, and the corporate studio systems is absolutely screwing the writers out of compensation. They do this by classifying produced materials in such a way so as they do not have to pay the writers (i.e. anything on the web is "promotional", not a show, and thus writers get no part of the revenue gained from such "promotion").

This is unfair and they are right to complain; the residual system may be loopy to many Americans, but it what Hollywood uses. To single out the writers as ineligible receivers of "new media" profits is unfair and greedy.

But writers? Most of you aren't as good as you think you are (I am assuming somebody writes "According to Jim") and if you want sympathy, you should stick to the straight facts. Reminding people that you'll still be getting paid in 2015 for your work on "Cavemen" is not going to help your cause.

Now do Classical Gas!

It's All About You, Isn't It

I decided to put a stop to the uninterrupted flow of memes, as entertaining as I'm sure they are, in favor of a post that has to do with my actual self.

Unfortunately, I've been too busy lately to have proper rants stored up. Nothing percolates for more than a half hour, because that is my limit or rage-inducing thought.

So you get bullets hyphens because I don't remember how to bullet:

- There is an interesting article on Slate about the de facto moratorium on the death penalty that is currently in place. I won't go into how I loathe capital punishment (short reason: you shouldn't permanently punish when you can never be 100% sure) but it reminded me of a long-ago discussion I had with a couple friends at Kings Dominion (a theme park in Virginia). I don't recall the specifics, except to say that I have to give props to Raf for arguing with both me (now a lawyer!) and his then-girlfriend about the legitimacy of the punishment. And, as it turns out, he was on the right page and we weren't.

- Housing in the Bay Area is very expensive. Overly expensive. $1700 for a 2br in a fairly mediocre part of town (not even in San Francisco proper!) is excessive and insane. People (my good buddy Marek!) have argued with me about whether rent control is a sound plan, and while I realize that the economic reasons are strong, my own anecdotal experience will always keep me a fan of control vs. free market on that one.

- Entertainment Round-Up: Gone Baby Gone is lamely-titled but outstanding. Possibly the best I've seen since Children of Men. Bee Movie was better than expected, probably because my expectations are inverse to the amount of promotion a movie has, and oh dear Jesus. It's quite possible that 30 Rock is supplanting The Office as my very bestest favorite show on television right now; this is not to say The Office is bad--I think it is at about 90% of its game at the moment--but that 30 Rock is just unspeakably great.

- I have no idea what my Thanksgiving plans are. I have promised myself to stop calling it Turkey Day, though. It is a mild joke that has run its course, like "Tar-Jzay" and calling people "Parental Units".

- "That's what she said" is still funny, though I never, ever, remember to say it at the right time. That may actually make me a better person, but I would sacrifice an upstanding for being funnier.

- I was told that the line in last Sunday's Lions/Cardinals game was Arizona by one, and that as a result many, many people bet on the Lions. As a long-time Lions fan, I say: you fools. I could have told you that as soon as they hit 6-2, they would stumble like the mediocre team they are. Don't get me wrong, I support them. I want them to do well. But if wishes were wings, we'd all fly. Kitna cannot do it all. Losing, and losing badly, to Arizona (and let's not forgot how badly they were blown out by their other "losses", quotes because the games were more like forfeits) shows that they are lucky first, and skillful a distant second.

- I got the finger for tailgating the other day. I do not believe it was justified, because although I was indeed tailgating, the guy was going 18 mph in a 30 mph zone. And not just for half a block--for almost a mile. And then he gave ME the finger? What is the thought process there? He's lucky I didn't leap from my car and beat him senseless. It's not like it would have been hard to catch him on foot.

(And before you think or say it, if you are looking for a store, or house, or are otherwise unsure about where to turn or go, the correct answer is to PULL OVER in the wide-open parking area and let the mile-long line of cars go by while you check your directions.

The Long Arm of the Myspace Law

I stole this from my cousin’s Myspace. Normally I would only steal a meme from Kim, because she’s pretty good at sorting out the crappy or idiotic ones. But I like this because it lets me flex my legal muscles.

You’re supposed to say “guilty” or “innocent”, but given those particular choices I may have to object or plead insanity a few times.

1. Dated outside your race?
Guilty. Easy to do when you’re The Man.

2. Gotten a hickey?
Guilty? I don’t recall but I bet I have. Damn wimmins.

3. Dated your best friend?
Objection as to form; vague and ambiguous. Were we friends prior to dating? As dating progressed? After dating? All have different answers.

4. Sang in the shower?
Guilty as hell. My voice is AWESOME.

5. Spit in someone's drink?
Happy to be innocent of this one.

6. Opened your Christmas presents early?
“Not Guilty” on a technicality. If it’s not wrapped yet, how can I open it?

7. Got into a fight at school?
Objection, vague and ambiguous. Assumes facts not in evidence. What school? Verbal or physical? Was I a key participant or a bystander that stepped in to prevent harm?

8. Lied to a friend?
Hell yeah I’m guilty. My friends get uppity sometimes.

9. Seen "The Goonies" more than 10 times?
I never counted. All the way through? Probably innocent. But in parts, completely guilty because Goonies rocks.

10. Had more than five REAL bf/gfs
Innocent by virtue of the fact that I’ve been stingy with that particular label.

11. Been arrested?
In-no-cent.

12. Ran through the sprinklers naked?
Not in the last 20 years. Innocent by statute of limitations.

13. Ate food that fell on the floor?
Guilty.

14. Went outside naked?
Objection, vague and ambiguous. The question is framed so that if one exits an indoor setting without clothes, they must answer in the affirmative. However, if one disrobes after entering an outdoor area, the response would be negative.

15. Been on stage?
Guilty, if by stage you mean any raised area on which performances are given. Still guilty if the question is assuming your presence occurred while participating in a performance before a live audience, although this question is poorly framed.

16. Made someone cry?
Guilty, via both physical and emotional pain. The ladies only get the latter.

17. Fooled around with somebody way older?
Objection as to the term “way older”. I cannot answer this.

18. Been in a school play?
Objection as to the term “in”. I have participated in school productions of dramatic works; however I was not a performer.

19. Drank beer?
Seriously? Guilty because I’m not Amish.

20. Gotten detention?
Guilty (see above response to No. 7)

21. Been suspended from school?
Innocent.

22. Been on a cruise?
Guilty.

23. Broken into a house?
Guilty but, like my cousin, it doesn’t count. It was my own house.

24. Gotten a tattoo?
Innocent. Guilty but for lack of a creative spark at the right time.

25. Gotten piercings?
Innocent. My dad’s got that covered just fine.

26. Cried so hard you threw up?
Innocent. Do people do that?

27. Gotten into a shouting match?
Hella guilty. I shout when angry.

28. Been skinny dipping?
Innocent, with unfortunately no exceptions.

29. Spun yourself in circles to get dizzy on purpose.
Guilty. Who hasn’t done this? You suck.

30. Laughed so hard it hurt?
Totally guilty.

31. Tripped on your own feet?
Guilty on repeated occasions. I am a serial-killer when it comes to this one. Stupid limbs.

32. Cried yourself to sleep?
Innocent. I once woke up crying, though.

33. Cried in public?
Innocent as far as I know.

34. Thrown up in public?
Guilty if by “in public” one assumes that even a single-occupant restroom in a publicly-accessible location is still “public”.

35. Lied to your parents?
Guilty at some point in the past. I don’t believe there are any currently-running lies, though.

36. Skipped class?
I've skipped a whole WEEK of class. Guilty!

37. Slept in class?
Probably guilty. Once I passed out in class, but I don’t think that counts. I was only out for 4 or 5 seconds.

Huzzah! No insanity defense necessary. My life has been boring, yo.

Forever in Blue Jeans

This post is dedicated to Neil Diamond, for absolutely no reason.

I've decided to try and remember as much specificity as possible, and answer down to the day where I can.

Six years ago.....

1.) How old were you?
23 years, 9 months, and 30 days.

2.) Where did you go to school?
School of Life, my friend. I was between academic endeavors.

3) Where did you work?
Fight Crime: Invest in Kids.

4.) Where did you live?
In Arlington, Virginia, with my good buddy the Narc. Narc!

5.) Where did you hang out?
A couple bars in Dupont, and down at Tech with my girlfriend. On Friday, Nov. 2, 2001 I may have been driving down to Tech (though, even accounting for the time difference in coasts, I would more likely have been at work still).

6.) Did you wear glasses?
Not outside. Contacts!

7.) Who was your best friend?
Had to be Jason the Baby Daddy and Raf the Roommate.

9.) How many piercings did you have?
Zilch.

10.) Did you have a car?
Yep, the ol' Mazda Protege. She was hanging in there.

11.) Had you been to a real party?
Clearly this meme is meant for people younger than I. At 23? Of course.

12.) Had You had your heart broken?
Sure had.

13.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?
Taken even though she was in nowheresville and largely being a pain in the ass. Haha! Just kidding K.

14.)Any Kids?
None that I know of.

-------------3 years ago----------

1.) How old were you?
26 years, 9 months, and 30 days.

2.) Where did you go to school?
University of San Diego School of Law.

3.) Where did you work?
In November 2004, I was blissfully happy with my unemployment.

4.) Where did you live?
In an area of San Diego called Mission Hills, just to the west of Hillcrest.

5.).Where did you hang out?
It was the beginning of the 2nd year of law school, so it may have been part of my ill-advised "party phase" wherein I went to 3 or 4 "bar reviews". Yes, that was partying... to me.

6.) Did you wear glasses?
Still contacts.

7.) Who were your best friend(s):
In November '04, it was probably Hil. The whole law school gang was still semi-tight then, though.

8.) How many tattoos did you have?
Still zilch. I would get dangerously close to upping that by 1 in about 3 months.

9.) How many piercings did you have?
None, and happy that way.

10) What car did you drive?
The one I still drive, an Acura Integra. She's a trooper.

11) Had your heart broken?
Still yes, but not further broken between 2001 and this point.

12.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced:
Single and looking. At the time, I was hilariously looking in a completely silly direction that ultimately turned out great because she's a super friend.

13.) Any Kids?
Only the illegitimate ones.

--------------------Today--------------------

1.) How old are you?
29 years, 9 months, and 30 days.

2.) Where do you work?
At a law firm that I ain't about to name, for legal reasons.

3) Where do you live?
In the Lake Merritt area of Oakland, California.

4.) Do you wear glasses?
Jesus. STILL. CONTACTS.

5) Who is your best friend?
Gotta be the girlfriend.

6.) Do you talk to your old friends?
I try to. I want to do better.

7) How many piercings do you have?
Never did get anything pierced.

8) How many tattoos?
That window sorta passed me by as well. Maybe someday...

9) What kind of car do you have
Same old Acura.

10.) Has your heart been broken?
Not lately.

11)Single/Taken/Married/Divorced:
Taken.

12.)Any Kids?
There's a great kid that I hang out with, but I'm only a fan and not the provider of necessary genetic material.

In three more years, it will be 2010 and spacecars will roam the skyways. I cannot predict what my answers then will be, of course. I do hope to have at least 7 tattoos though. That'll shut the stupid question up.

In Rod We Trust

The latest from my GMail spam filter:

"Even if you were not born with a massive rod, you may easily obtain it."

Being the geek that I am, I thought: "An inanimate carbon rod? Sweet."

I know I should be writing substantive, thought-provoking posts. But I'm a busy man, so you get jokes that only I comprehend. Because why have a blog if you can't waste everybody's time?

Yesterday I spent a good portion of my spare time researching doomsday scenarios. I expect it was fallout from the Rumbly we experienced. I am now confident that only a vacuum metastability event can really stop me, since before yesterday I did not know such a thing existed.

So many ways to destroy the universe, so little time.