Tigers Tigers Burning Bright

Today I saw this on Yahoo Sports' Detroit Tigers Team Report:

"RHP Joel Zumaya won’t be closing games for Detroit until he can eliminate outings like Tuesday’s. Manager Jim Leyland thinks it’s because there’s something wrong with him. Zumaya faced five batters and all of them reached base as Toronto erased a 4-1 deficit with a four-run seventh in a 6-4 Blue Jays victory."

Leyland thinks something is wrong with Zumaya, eh? He's got that right. Zumaya sucks, and has always been an overrated fastball thrower who lacks the control and the pitch variety to ever be a truly good closer. But hey, Rodney's hardly a model of consistency, and Farnsworth is turning out to be a completely useless trade (unless you're the Yankees; good luck Pudge).

The Tigers' bullpen has dropped TWENTY-ONE save chances this year. Let's put that in perspective: the Tigers are currently 58-61, post-Allstar surge and back to their craptacular performance. They're also losing the third game of their series against the woeful 4th place Blue Jays, 0-4, at time of blogging.

Chicago is 66-52 and the Twins, 67-53, leading the Tigers in their division by 8 games (for those who don't follow baseball, that means if the Tigers won 8 games straight and the White Sox lost 8 straight, they be tied).

The bullpen's effect, then? If they'd managed to keep just HALF of their blown saves from occurring, the Tigers would be 68-51 and in first place. And remember, you don't get a blown save by just pitching a losing game; the Tigers have to be UP when the relief pitcher starts, and then tied or losing (I'm actually not sure if that matters) when the pitcher leaves or the game ends.

21 times these idiots have cost the Tigers a winning game. If they managed saves in 15 of those blown saves, they'd have the best record in baseball.

I'm done venting, and I'm done watching for the season unless they can seriously turn this around. It's one thing to suck all around; it's heartbreaking to watch your team hit and pitch well, and then have a handful of completely useless bastards throw the game away.

Olympic Rant

Oh come on, you knew I was going to get around to this eventually.

The Olympics are here. In full, soft-focus, sad sack, triumph over the adversity of having a semi-uncomfortable childhood, glory. It's a bit cliched at this point to take offense at the truly insipid back stories that NBC insists on running (Peacock: I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE VOLLEYBALL PLAYER'S WEDDING RING) so I'll just let others take that topic on.

And honestly, you can't offends tens of... well tens of people with such lukewarm antagonism. People who live for those vignettes are idiots; most of us tolerate them and once in a blue moon find something interesting. So instead, I present:

What's the Big Deal Anyway With Like, 80% of These Sports?

Here's the thing. I admire when a person devotes their life (and at this level, it really is a devotion of that caliber) to a single achievement. Even when that achievement is sort of lame, in the context of all of humanity's endeavors. I speak largely of things like synchronized diving and the equestrian sports, but this is actually applicable to almost all sports. I have to ask: so what?

Now is when I backpedal to say, of course participation and excellence in these areas are noteworthy, to a degree. I would not say for a second that I could ever match the skill that the synchro divers exhibit, even with the same amount of training. There is an inherent talent that I do not suppose I have.

But that being said, just because a group of people devote themselves to doing something, and at some point they compete and one becomes the best at that thing, it doesn't necessarily mean they have reached the pinnacle of human possibility. The Games are rife with such statements, announcers noting that, "we are witnessing the best of the best in all the world," and so forth.

To me, the most interesting Olympic sports are those that are more pure. Running, for example. You can be the Fastest Man/Woman Alive at the Olympics--and we all run. In my mind, running is pure and straightforward and not all frill'd up with shuttlecocks and horses and epees. Swimming is similar, except that there are a bunch of different types and that seems a little silly. Freestyle is the fastest (when comparing world-records) so I like that one best. The fastest human in the world, in the water, is some Australian or Michael Phelps, depending on which race you gauge speed with.

Keep in mind, this is coming from a guy who loves rowing, and thinks that those who row crew in the Olympics are amazing athletes. But technology adds something to the sport that keeps me from saying they are "pinnacles".

I won't even get started on sports that require judges to give scores. How do you "win" the pommel-horse?

This is (as titled) a rant, but it's not meant to be overly spiteful. I applaud everybody who achieves. But for me, the best part of the Olympics are the sports that you can do naked.

Not Cool, Boris

Just* when you thought the Cold War was over, it rears up during the Olympics and smacks you in the face!

*It ended 20 years ago.

This whole Russia vs. Georgia thing has me bothered. For once, I understand the politics completely (as opposed to say, Iraq and their many insurgents and whatnot). Georgia doesn't like Russia, and the Georgians don't like their pro-Russia province of South Ossetia (note: not an official province/state, it's like "the South" in America, but smaller). Georgia decides to start smacking the South O's around, and big brother Russia steps in to quell that shit.

Only Russia, after sending the Georgians positively flying out of S.O., keep attacking. They're attacking actual Georgia, not S.O.-Georgia, and are hinting that they aim to depose the elected El Presidente of Georgia.

Georgia is a nascent democracy that we (and by "we" I mean "our country") have been urging to become more democratic. We pushed for Georgia's entry into NATO (NATO voted no, wisely, because otherwise we WOULD be at war with Russia right now) and told them we'd support them. Only, you know, just by being very, very stern with Russia should it become aggressive. Lots of glaring and furrowed brows, but not so much with the tanks and missiles.

So that's what we're doing. We're very upset with Russia, you see, but we can't really send TROOPS because it's Russia, yo. That's a big-time war that, while I appreciate Georgia's predicament (which they are at least 50% responsible for themselves) a World War Three is not a great solution.

Nobody has clean hands here--including us--but if someone is going to intervene it has to be Europe first. People are comparing this to Germany and the Sudetenland (because you can't throw a stone in international politics without hitting a Nazi Germany analogy). But German appeasement by other local nations is not the same as appeasement by a superpower halfway around the world.

Still, if Russia keeps trying to flex its collective nuts, eastern Europe is going to get a whole lot messier in the near future. It's so nice that I can come full circle and revisit my childhood fear of nuclear annihilation.

They Got That Right

I finally got to see The Dark Knight this week. And boy is that title apt. I'm still developing my thoughts but I have a feeling it was really, really good.

The strangest thing is how much publicity and promotion the movie had, in comparison to the tone and overall theme of the movie. I know the two (marketing and actual production) aren't inherently related, but it seems a tad incongruous. When Dominos has commercials where their delivery person is battling to get the Joker a pizza, and then you see the movie where the Joker is a goddamn psychopath, you have to wonder what they're thinking with that ad campaign.

I won't really say more, on the off chance that some of you folks haven't seen it yet, but it's a dark freakin' movie, kids. It is full of principle and moral ambiguity and the nature of evil, and I think may end up being one of the best movies of all time (though not as good as the idiocracy that populates IMDB seems to think). I'm sure by now there is plenty of anti-Dark Knight opinion, but being fairly new to the discussion I'm not seeing that. I'm just sort of amazed.

I will add this: there have been murmurings that the Joker is being too well-received by fans of the movie, that he is being propped up as an anti-hero of sorts. To that I say: don't be a moron. Batman is an "anti-hero". The Joker is just a goddamn nutjob. I can see where this movie might appeal to the pro-anarchy crowd, though, and I will confess that for the first time in my life, I thought as I was watching, "I hope some idiot kids don't take this too seriously."

Oh, and that whole "what's with Batman's voice" debate? Totally overrated. I thought it was fine and completely necessary. Christian Bale/Bruce Wayne has a fairly distinct voice, and it would be beyond stupid if he were talking to everybody without trying to disguise it. But hey, people need something to gripe about, right?

Wanted: Business Acumen

One of the biggest reasons I believe I'll never make a killing with investments, or real estate, or any of those power-broker Wall Street type things, is that everytime I hear "Fannie Mae" I think they're talking about candy.

Housing crises be damned, I want some chocolate nut fudge.

Real Old Testament, Wrath-of-God Type Meme

You know what? I don't think I ever posted this, for whatever reason. Revived from the dead, it's... this thing!

ANGER

1. Who did you last get angry with?
My non-boss, because I did what my real boss wanted and pissed him off. Sometimes my job sucks.

2. What is your weapon of choice?
Sulking. But, you know, manly sulking. Lots of steely looks and narrowing of the eyes.

3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
Only in a life-or-death situation, maybe. My momma didn’t raise me to beat on no wimmins.

4. How about of the same sex?
Sure. I try not to. But I’m not a pacifist, I’m just not in punching situations very often. I consider that a good thing.

5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
It depends on what you mean by "really angry". Now that I'm not in a relationship, it doesn't happen too often.

6. What is your pet peeve?
Inattention. Pay attention for god’s sake.

7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
If it’s minor I don’t. If it’s major it’s not a grudge, the person is no good and I will disassociate myself. That’s not holding a grudge, in my book.

SLOTH

1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a while?
Floss. I hate it.

2. What is the latest you've ever woken up?
I don’t know, 2 p.m. maybe? It was during college I’m sure. After a point “late” and “early” sort of switch spots.

3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't:
A couple people from law school, perhaps. Otherwise I feel like my friends are around if I need them or they need me.

4. What is the last lame excuse you made?
I called in sick today! But I'm only under the weather, not disaster-sick. That's not very lame. Sorry.

5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones...)?
I used to watch the “AM Gold” Time/Life commercials for music, to get ideas about what I wanted to steal from the Internet.

6. When was the last time you got a good workout in?
About 10 days ago. I am currently recovering from a minor workout-related injury and thus not running until back to 100%.

7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?
5 or 6 times, but I knew I wasn't going anywhere today. Sick day!

GLUTTONY

1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
I buy those Chai Tea Lattes too often. $3.80 a pop! Some unborn child of mine will be going to Devry because of this habit.

2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat?
As long as it’s cooked, I don’t really care. Though I guess white, in a pinch.

3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
I’m not a superdrinker or anything. Probably 5 or 6 pints of beer. It’s a lot, for me.

4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?
What, like Jenny Craig? Of course not.

5. Do you have an issue with your weight?
"Issue" is a bit melodramatic, but I still need to lose about 10 pounds.

6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods?
Sweets.

7. Have you ever looked at a small housepet or child and thought, "LUNCH?"
Hah, okay. Somebody couldn’t think of a 7th question?

LUST

1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)?
I’m assuming this also means opposite sex (i.e. locker rooms do not count), and any degree of nudity (boobs or more) so… lemme think on that for a moment. Crap I forgot about strippers. I’m going to have to ballpark it to around 25 people.

2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)?
A lot less than the above number. Less than 10, I suppose.

3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation?
I’m a guy. Of course I have.

4. Have you "done it"?
This is classic. No, but I assume by “it” you mean “shot someone in with a telescopic rifle from more than 300 yards away”.

5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
Neck. If we’re not being obvious and saying like, boobs.

6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
Not to my knowledge. I’ve never waited so long that she had to ask me. Hiyo!

7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy?
No, I’ve never “had” to get tested. But I have been.

GREED

1. How many credit cards do you own?
Straight-out credit cards? Technically one, but I don’t know how to make it work (my debit card has “credit” somehow). So for all practical purposes, zero. It’s how I roll.

2. What's your guilty pleasure store?
Best Buy. But don’t by peripheral cables there, man.

3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it?
Pay off a bunch of stuff, and then a bunch of stuff owed by people I like. Then probably put it in some low-yield investment account.

4. Would you rather be rich, or famous?
Rich. Then if I wanted to be famous, I could probably make it happen. But fame without wealth means you’re either incredibly smart or ambitious, or you’re a bank robber.

5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
It depends on how long I’d have to keep it. Right now, yes, I probably would.

6. Have you ever stolen anything?
Online music. And a couple movies. And the hearts of a nation.

7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?
About 2,000. I recently housecleaned my computer, though, and lost a few hundred in the process.

PRIDE

1. What's one thing have you done that you're most proud of?
Identified badly-written meme questions. Oh look, I’ve done it again!

2. What's one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?
Probably going to law school. Though I bet “not asking them for money anymore” is a close second.

3. What's one thing would you like to accomplish in your life?
Right now I’d like to accomplish a mostly-debt-free existence.

4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
It depends. Is it a competition of many, or just 2? Because I don’t like losing, but I don’t mind being at the top of the heap (even if not first place).

5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
Like when I play cards with 5-year-old cousins? Sure. But with adults? I don’t think I’ve ever known for sure that I was gonna whup ass on everybody.

6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
Yep. But more elaboration, you do not get. It wasn’t the California Bar or anything.

7. What did you do today that you're proud of?
Not a damn thing. Though even if I weren't home today, my workload doesn't have anything pride-worthy. Just mundane this week.

ENVY

1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
Person? What, like somebody’s girlfriend or wife? That's harsh, Internet. I'm good with what I've got, currently.

2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
I don’t know what that is. Is that where people redecorate other people's houses? I guess I’d want to trade with somebody who has style.

3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
This is a weird question; if I wouldn’t be me, then what would it matter? And if I would be me, then in many cases (astronaut, pole vaulter, UN Secretary General) I would be unable to do the job, and I would instantly fail and/or die. So I say, me but with about $250k in the bank.

4. Have you ever been cheated on?
Hmm. Maybe, but not by anyone that mattered. At least not to my actual knowledge.

5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
Sure. What am I, a narcissist?

6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
(More) confidence.

7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey?
Not even a little bit.

8. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin?
Lust baby.

A Bunch of Songs That I Once Thought Were Great/Deep/Sad, But Got Tired of For Some Reason.

That's a mouthful!*

Angel Eyes - Jeff Healey's hit 1989 love song. The lyrics are pretty stupid and I think it was covered by some Australian chick fairly recently. On the upside, Jeff Healey is blind and therefore marginally cooler than most musicians who name their bands after themselves. But, Bonus Lame Points: it was used in "Road House", and you all know how I feel about that cinema gem.

Lady in Red - When I was a kid (i.e. 12 or 13) I thought this was a hugely poetic. Now, time and a healthy dose of cynicism has made me want to punch Chris deBurgh in the face. Plus, the song doesn't make any sense. Everybody apparently wants to be with this chick, but she wants to be with the singer, who sounds like a completely useless tool. Wait, is she a hooker? Did I miss that subtext?

At Last - Yes, the song played at many (many, many) a wedding. Etta James does it justice (better than Nat King Cole) and the first time I heard it was in a nuptial-less vacuum. I specifically remember thinking, "Wow, people should play this at weddings or something!"

Don't Speak - I was a fan of No Doubt just before they become super famous, and at the time I was embroiled in typically lame high school angst. Before this song got sizable radio airplay, I thought it was powerful and reflected the feelings I had for some girl, who liked my best friend, but he was with somebody else, or something. I'm having trouble recalling the details, which clearly speaks to the weight of the matter. Gigantic Internet-only eye roll.

I Can't Make You Love Me - You know what? I still like this song. I'm not a huge Bonnie Raitt fan, because country music is of course horrible, but I'll make an exception for this. It is, in truth of fact, a good song. Compare it to something like Leann Rimes' "How Do I Live" which is overwrought and insipid.

Breathe (2AM) - I thought this was pretty good when it first came out, and I still have no idea who this Anna Nalick person is, but it was quickly overplayed. It may still be a good song, but it needs a few years of non-rotation before I'll stop Next Track'ing it on the iPod.

The Blower's Daughter - I still think this song is almost over-the-top in its sadness quotient, but then I was on BART and some dude (seriously) had it as his ringtone. The subsequent douchebag-association has been just too powerful to overcome.

I thought this would be a longer list, but I never legitimately liked the other songs I could put on here. I thought of the idea when "All I Wanna Do is Make Love..." came on the radio this morning. But that song is pretty crappy, and I've never liked it. Go figure.

*That's what she said.

That Was Me! Sort of.

Today's Post has a not-at-all shocking story on just how illegal the hiring practices at DOJ were during the Bush administration. We all knew this--even if some ardent Bush supporters insisted that no wrongdoing occurred--but now there's an "official report" providing details as to how widespread and unethical their conduct had been.

Because everything, eventually, can be turned around to be about me, I point you towards this bit near the end:

Last month, Fine disclosed that hundreds of candidates for summer law intern and elite entry-level honors program jobs had been excluded from hiring pools because of their Democratic affiliations or membership in environmental and social justice groups.

Guess what! I totally applied for a summer internship at DOJ (Dept. of Computer Crimes or possibly Intellectual Property Enforcement, I forget the actual name) and now, despite my lackluster grades, I can claim discrimination.

One of my few "accomplishments" up until law school was being President of the Virginia Tech Young Democrats for a brief period (1999-2000). It entailed far less work than the title implies, but hey--President! That goes right on the ol' resume.

When I apply for jobs, I occasionally take it off. It depends on the job, but most of the time it stays. It's an example of leadership and all that hokum. Of course I left that on my resume when applying to Justice, because it was for a freakin' internship. Like anybody cares about political leanings at that level.

To be frank, I'm betting it was less the mention of the YD association, and more my mediocre academic profile. But this may be my only chance as a white male to experience some form of discrimination, so I'm going to let it bug me a little bit.