Not So Bad

So yeah, I'm at work on a Saturday, but there's some good tunes rockin' from the street fair down below. And I get to act like a total VIP by parking in my building garage.

I won't be working for more than a few hours--there's only so much you can do when folks be rappin' up a storm or jamming on blues guitar 500 feet away.

Who's in the What Now?

I turned on the news this morning, and was pretty confused for about 45 seconds. The caption said "McCain picks Palin for VP spot" and the anchors were talking about abortion. The video was of some woman getting married, looped.

Sarah Palin? This seems like a pretty naked grab for "disgruntled Hillary supporters" but severely overestimates how badly women just want to vote for a woman. Women aren't morons, and if they're Democrats why would they vote for a super-conservative? Ovaries?

She may be a "rising star" in the GOP, but has the GOP forgotten who lives at its core? A big fat pile of extraordinarily backwards-thinking folk, who believe a woman's place is in the home. Are they on board with this? Maybe. I don't know any of them personally. But I bet it's enough to offset the tiny gains McCain will get from "Democrat" women.

McCain has managed to steal the news cycle from Obama, post-convention. That would be an excellent--if largely inconsequential--strategic move, but he had to use his VP pick do to it. The Republicans will now dominate the news for about a week, but in two weeks, what will we have? Obama/Biden vs. McCain/Palin. No "shocking picks" are left to derail the Democrat's train.

I don't know much about this Palin person, except that she's only been governor of one of our least populated states for 2 years. Before that she was mayor of a town that has fewer people than my graduating class at Virginia Tech.

Biden is going to eat her alive in the debates. Liberal women won't vote for her. Hardcore conservatives may be uneasy with a woman in such a prominent position. I would not be surprised if we look back in a few months and pinpoint this move as a clear manifestation of "winning the battle but losing the war."

Day of Mulling it Over Update: This could potentially be disastrous for McCain, and here's why: Palin is not battle-forged. She's never been anywhere close to a national campaign, her previous experiences in Alaska are nothing compared to having legions of reporters and bloggers watching you like a hawk and digging through your garbage.

I don't know her well enough to make a "prediction" but I will not be surprised if she ends up saying a lot of stupid things. Obama, McCain, and Biden have all done it but have learned from their mistakes. Palin is new and ready to insert foot into mouth. Unless she's a far, far better politician than I am guessing.

Raise Your Hand

...if you actually read all of these. Because I usually don't, though I do end up reading it when I change the answers around to my own. This is courtesy of the wee sister.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
I "got up" at 8 but the alarm went off at 7:30.

2. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds, I guess. I'd look silly in pearls.

3. Last movie you saw in the theater?
Also The Dark Knight. Second viewing! Still dark!

4. What is your favorite TV show?
The Office is the best one still running (LOST is a close second), but right now I'm churning through The Wire like a crazy man. It may be the some of the best TV ever.

5. What do you usually have for breakfast
A few swigs of orange juice while taking a vitamin. Later, maybe a granola bar.

6. What is your middle name?
Talullah.

7. What food do you dislike?
I am still not a huge fan of guacamole. Despite living out here.

8. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
I don't have a favorite CD at the moment. iTunes has broken me as far as entire albums are concerned.

9. What kind of car do you drive?
97 Acura but wait, Emily when did you get a new car? The hell?

10. Favorite sandwich?
There is a place I go for lunch that does a pretty good roast beef. But the cheesesteaks from IB's are great too.

11. What characteristics do you despise?
The inability to accept opinions other than your own.

12. Favorite item of clothing?
Jeans. I don't get to wear 'em so much anymore.

13. If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?
Australia still tops that list. But followed closely by Europe, and Fiji.

14. What color is your bathroom?
Ugh, I think it's probably "salmon" but I've also been informed it's just pink.

15. Favorite brand of clothing?
I don't have a favorite brand, so much. I got a suit from Banana Republic a month ago and I like it. But I am not necessarily a BR kind of guy.

16. Where would you retire?
Somewhere smaller than where I lived. Not a city.

17. Most memorable birthday?
I think 21 is still the weirdest. I was snowed in at the Detroit airport, but then a few days later some friends threw me a surprise party.

18. Favorite sport to watch?
Football and baseball are probably tops. Not so much college anything.

19. Furthest place you are sending this?
INFINITY. It's the Internet.

20. Who do you expect to send this back to you?
Since I've turned it into a black hole by blog posting, nobody.

21. Person you expect to send it back first?
Seriously, let it go.

22. Favorite saying?
I have started saying "right on". I also say "fair enough" a lot. These are not necessarily favorite sayings, but I am capable of recognizing things I say too much.

23. When is your birthday?
January.

24. Are you a morning person or a night person?
I am a late-night person. But I don't mind the morning as much as I used to.

25. What is your shoe size?
11.5 and what kind of silly question is that?

26. Pets?
None at the moment. I am friends with some very nice cats though...

27. What did you want to be when you were little?
A scientist. I didn't differentiate between the fields, but "a guy doing science" seemed pretty good to me. Or Spider-Man.

28. What are you today?
Attorney. It is not sciencey. Pays the bills for now though. (Excuse the lack of excitement but my job has been wretched these last few days)

29. What is your favorite candy?
Chocolate. Dark chocolate, milk chocolate, chocolate chip cookies, etc.

30. Your favorite flower?
I don't really have a favorite flower. That's not a macho front, I've just never given them much consideration. Daisies seem nice. They're simple but pretty.

31. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to?
It was next Wednesday (mini-vacation) but now I'm not sure because work has punched me in the face.

32. What are you listening to right now?
The gentle drone of the office. Somebody is talking about fantasy football. Again.

33. What was the last thing you ate?
Ate? That'd be chocolate chip cookies, last night. Unless the morning vitamin counts.

34. Do you wish on stars?
Nope. I just wish.

35. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
I have no basis for answering this question. My favorite color is green.

36. What is your pet peeve?
Not being called/emailed back, at least once. I get that people (including me) don't want to have constant back and forths, but one reply will not kill you.

37. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
Secretary for defense counsel, who was confirming a deposition.

38. Do you like the person/people you are sending this to?
Not necessarily, I don't know who will read this. Actually, since it's my blog, it's probable that I like them all.

39. Favorite soft drink?
I don't drink 'em anymore! But if I did, it's Coke.

40. Favorite restaurant?
Geez, I'm not sure. I was finally introduced to Zachary's Pizza a few weeks back, and that was pretty amazing.

41. Hair Color?
My hair, she is brown, senor.

42. Favorite holiday of the year?
Christmas is really the only holiday that I always celebrate, year after year.

43. What was your favorite toy as a child?
My transformers. I had that big turns-into-a-base guy, Fortress Maximus. I was super jazzed to own that.

44. Summer or winter?
Summer. It has so much possibility.

45. Hugs or kisses?
I don't understand the question.

46. Chocolate or vanilla?
Chocolate.

47. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back?
No, that would be weird. I will read any that post this though.
(Note: I laughed out loud when I read Emily's response: "Sure! I would love to know if my brother likes hugs or kisses!" Sucker!)

48. When was the last time you cried?
Embarrassingly, I teared up a little when watching a video a blogger put up of her 3-year-old son. I know, what the hell. So I punched a mountain lion and felt better.

49. What is under your bed?
No idea. Probably something useful that I've forgotten about.


51. What did you do last night? Worked till 8, then watched a couple episodes of that show Bones, which I don't usually watch but I didn't want to get invested in The Wire. I went to bed at 10 but ended up reading for two hours.


52. Favorite smell?
Still that girly-soap smell. Or maybe it's perfume. I'm not sure, but it comes from chicks.

53. What are you afraid of?
Not appreciating life until it's just about over.

54. How many keys on your key ring?
Seven. Two home, two work, one car, one mail, and one for The Club.

55. How many years at your current job?
One and a half at my current employer. About two doing what I do. Tighten up your language, survey!

56. Favorite day of the week?
I have a love/hate relationship with Friday, so actually Thursday may be best. Friday hasn't turned out to be a bust yet, and The Office is on. Usually.

57. How many states have you lived in?
Three, since we don't count the District of Columbia as a state.

58. Do you make friends easily? I'm not sure. Not easily, and not immediately, but I grow on people like you wouldn't believe.

That's the last question? Kind of anti-climactic.

More Like Labor Day CRAPend

I just got completely and utterly screwed, at work. Three day weekend? Gone. Trip back east? Not gone but may be full of non-fun working.

It's nothing in the realm of becoming unemployed, it's just a big gigantic, case-destroying event which is 10 days away and will take 10+ days to prepare for. So you can see where there's a bit of a problem.

It's times like this that I'm glad I don't have a girlfriend to radically disappoint. It will be nice to save energy bills by not being home at all for a few days, though!

What a Lousy Time to Be in California

All of a sudden, my home state is a political battleground!

Who'd have thought that the former capital of the Confederacy would have the Democrat and Republican nominees for President in a virtual tie?

And here I sit in the blue-as-the-sky liberal oasis of California. Great for living (especially the Bay Area!) but not so great for effecting political change. If anybody wants to trade votes this election, I'm more than willing to cast one of the many dozens McCain is sure to get out here. Or is that voter fraud? If it is, I was totally joking!

Seriously though, now I gots to get real with you Virginia folk. Something like 75% of my readership lives in Virginia these days, and ya'll have to step up your (collective) game! Make this shit happen, yo!

Some of you are even dating Republicans. Normally I am a tolerant person, and will merely sigh at the backwards attitudes of your misguided paramours. But you have an election (conceivably) in the balance! The time for allowing such gentle disagreement is over. The time for arm-twisting, withholding of sexual favors, and other devious tactics is here!

I mean, really. What if he/she votes for McCain, and we have another Florida on our hands, only in the Old Dominion? Do you want him/her to be one of the 500 votes that gives McCain the Presidency?

As noted yesterday, I'll be back in town in September, but probably not again before election day. I will put my money where my mouth is, and provide any ideological backup you need at that time.

And FYI, I really do know a number of you (more than 3) that are dating possible GOP types, so this isn't directed at any particular individual. BUT YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Alright Listen Up You Primitive Screwheads

Everybody loves Army of Darkness! Howzabout some bits:

• I watched Rambo this weekend, and started Season 3 of The Wire. I am particularly numb to people being shot as a result, because damn if it doesn't seem to happen all the time, especially if you live in Burma or Baltimore. Rambo was just barely watchable. Skip it.
  
  
• If you didn't vote for Gore in 2000 and Kerry in 2004, I think you should pretty much SFTU when it comes to intra-party Democratic debates. If you're not going to vote Democrat, why should anybody give two shits if you think Obama isn't as experienced as Clinton? Nobody asks me whether Romney should have taken the nomination, and for good reason: my answer would be self-serving and would not come from a desire to see the Republicans succeed. So shut it.
  
  
• Hey! I'm going to be back in Northern Virginia next week! It's been 8 months since I've been to the area (but not the east coast, if Tampa FL counts), so I expect you are all in flying cars and using food replicators and whatnot.
  
  
• The Olympics are over. I was more interested this year than possibly ever before. That is not saying much (previous interest level: zero) but kudos to Beijing for some impressive pageantry and dissident head-bashing. You know what would make the Olympics suck less? No time delay, and no NBC leaden-sob-story stupidity. Maybe London will fix some of those problems in 2012.
  
  
• One of the upsides of the Olympics is that I get to completely forget that football season--college and pro--is less than a few weeks away. I mean, I like football, but I am so very disappointed by my choice of teams (both college and pro) that I don't really need the aggravation. Still, the promise of a clean slate and a new season are hard to resist.
  
  
• But the Tigers are dead to me.

Oh Please Oh Please Oh Please

How awesome would it be if McCain actually nominated Lieberman as his VP?

I mean, not for McCain, who would lose a bunch of his crazy social conservatives. But for Obama, who would lose almost nobody to that nightmare ticket. Maybe old Jewish folk, but they're already being alarmingly anti-Obama.

Democrats don't even like Lieberman. I didn't like him when he was partnered with Gore in 2000, and his behavior since then has been nothing short of repugnant. He is slimier than most politicians, and I live for the day when the Democrats have enough power in the Senate to toss his narrow ass out of his committee seats.

But I think even McCain isn't that big of a maverick. He's already repudiated the handful of reasonable stances he once held (on torture, abortion, and the like), so picking Lieberman would be a complete 180 as far as bending to the social conservatives' whims.

A guy can dream though, right?

I'm Bad Luck

In the last 6 months, three of the restaurants I've eaten at here in the East Bay have been robbed.

One was actually robbed the very next night after I was there.

Fortunately nobody is hurt in these robberies, but damn, Oakland. Not cool.

Tiny Dancer

There is an interesting little commentary on the AV Club today regarding the "Tiny Dancer" scene from Almost Famous. It's a pretty good movie, and that's a defining moment in the film. The comment basically uses the scene as an example of how powerful it can be when a song is linked to a (well-done) scene in a movie.

Of this I totally agree. Even when it's obvious; the scene in Say Anything is like the grand dame of this kind of movie moment.

But it's interesting to look in the comments to the article and see that, while popular opinion tends to skew about 70-30 in favor of Almost Famous (or that scene in particular), there are plenty who found it hackneyed, trite or falsely uplifting.

Which brings us to today's lesson! Movies that have "moments" or are geared towards pulling on certain emotional responses are routinely savaged by critics or various hipster idiots (like myself). Mostly this is because it is difficult to create genuine emotion in that way, without resorting to slimier tactics--and music with an obvious emotional element can be one such effective tactic.

But the effectiveness of a movie's attempt to create a "magical moment" is two-fold: one part director's skill and one part audience interpretation. The audience's capacity for being moved is just as important as the director/actors ability to create the right moment.

That's why some movies, which suck, can still move some people to tears, even while I sit there wondering what time it is. Those folks, for whatever reason, are more open to such sentiment and won't mind how ham-handed the delivery happens to be. A good example of this is the movie Hope Floats, which while supremely boring, has one particular scene in which Sandra Bullock's daughter breaks down as her dad leaves. It's tough, and the scene is almost pulled off because the actress really gives it her all. It did not move me greatly, but some people were just weeping openly.

This is a long-winded way of saying that while a movie can be "bad" or "good", the effectiveness of any given scene is as dependent on what the viewer is bringing to the table as it is on the quality of the film. If there's some movie that everyone seems to love but you can't stand, consider that perhaps it's you, not the movie.

Tigers Tigers Burning Bright

Today I saw this on Yahoo Sports' Detroit Tigers Team Report:

"RHP Joel Zumaya won’t be closing games for Detroit until he can eliminate outings like Tuesday’s. Manager Jim Leyland thinks it’s because there’s something wrong with him. Zumaya faced five batters and all of them reached base as Toronto erased a 4-1 deficit with a four-run seventh in a 6-4 Blue Jays victory."

Leyland thinks something is wrong with Zumaya, eh? He's got that right. Zumaya sucks, and has always been an overrated fastball thrower who lacks the control and the pitch variety to ever be a truly good closer. But hey, Rodney's hardly a model of consistency, and Farnsworth is turning out to be a completely useless trade (unless you're the Yankees; good luck Pudge).

The Tigers' bullpen has dropped TWENTY-ONE save chances this year. Let's put that in perspective: the Tigers are currently 58-61, post-Allstar surge and back to their craptacular performance. They're also losing the third game of their series against the woeful 4th place Blue Jays, 0-4, at time of blogging.

Chicago is 66-52 and the Twins, 67-53, leading the Tigers in their division by 8 games (for those who don't follow baseball, that means if the Tigers won 8 games straight and the White Sox lost 8 straight, they be tied).

The bullpen's effect, then? If they'd managed to keep just HALF of their blown saves from occurring, the Tigers would be 68-51 and in first place. And remember, you don't get a blown save by just pitching a losing game; the Tigers have to be UP when the relief pitcher starts, and then tied or losing (I'm actually not sure if that matters) when the pitcher leaves or the game ends.

21 times these idiots have cost the Tigers a winning game. If they managed saves in 15 of those blown saves, they'd have the best record in baseball.

I'm done venting, and I'm done watching for the season unless they can seriously turn this around. It's one thing to suck all around; it's heartbreaking to watch your team hit and pitch well, and then have a handful of completely useless bastards throw the game away.

Olympic Rant

Oh come on, you knew I was going to get around to this eventually.

The Olympics are here. In full, soft-focus, sad sack, triumph over the adversity of having a semi-uncomfortable childhood, glory. It's a bit cliched at this point to take offense at the truly insipid back stories that NBC insists on running (Peacock: I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE VOLLEYBALL PLAYER'S WEDDING RING) so I'll just let others take that topic on.

And honestly, you can't offends tens of... well tens of people with such lukewarm antagonism. People who live for those vignettes are idiots; most of us tolerate them and once in a blue moon find something interesting. So instead, I present:

What's the Big Deal Anyway With Like, 80% of These Sports?

Here's the thing. I admire when a person devotes their life (and at this level, it really is a devotion of that caliber) to a single achievement. Even when that achievement is sort of lame, in the context of all of humanity's endeavors. I speak largely of things like synchronized diving and the equestrian sports, but this is actually applicable to almost all sports. I have to ask: so what?

Now is when I backpedal to say, of course participation and excellence in these areas are noteworthy, to a degree. I would not say for a second that I could ever match the skill that the synchro divers exhibit, even with the same amount of training. There is an inherent talent that I do not suppose I have.

But that being said, just because a group of people devote themselves to doing something, and at some point they compete and one becomes the best at that thing, it doesn't necessarily mean they have reached the pinnacle of human possibility. The Games are rife with such statements, announcers noting that, "we are witnessing the best of the best in all the world," and so forth.

To me, the most interesting Olympic sports are those that are more pure. Running, for example. You can be the Fastest Man/Woman Alive at the Olympics--and we all run. In my mind, running is pure and straightforward and not all frill'd up with shuttlecocks and horses and epees. Swimming is similar, except that there are a bunch of different types and that seems a little silly. Freestyle is the fastest (when comparing world-records) so I like that one best. The fastest human in the world, in the water, is some Australian or Michael Phelps, depending on which race you gauge speed with.

Keep in mind, this is coming from a guy who loves rowing, and thinks that those who row crew in the Olympics are amazing athletes. But technology adds something to the sport that keeps me from saying they are "pinnacles".

I won't even get started on sports that require judges to give scores. How do you "win" the pommel-horse?

This is (as titled) a rant, but it's not meant to be overly spiteful. I applaud everybody who achieves. But for me, the best part of the Olympics are the sports that you can do naked.

Not Cool, Boris

Just* when you thought the Cold War was over, it rears up during the Olympics and smacks you in the face!

*It ended 20 years ago.

This whole Russia vs. Georgia thing has me bothered. For once, I understand the politics completely (as opposed to say, Iraq and their many insurgents and whatnot). Georgia doesn't like Russia, and the Georgians don't like their pro-Russia province of South Ossetia (note: not an official province/state, it's like "the South" in America, but smaller). Georgia decides to start smacking the South O's around, and big brother Russia steps in to quell that shit.

Only Russia, after sending the Georgians positively flying out of S.O., keep attacking. They're attacking actual Georgia, not S.O.-Georgia, and are hinting that they aim to depose the elected El Presidente of Georgia.

Georgia is a nascent democracy that we (and by "we" I mean "our country") have been urging to become more democratic. We pushed for Georgia's entry into NATO (NATO voted no, wisely, because otherwise we WOULD be at war with Russia right now) and told them we'd support them. Only, you know, just by being very, very stern with Russia should it become aggressive. Lots of glaring and furrowed brows, but not so much with the tanks and missiles.

So that's what we're doing. We're very upset with Russia, you see, but we can't really send TROOPS because it's Russia, yo. That's a big-time war that, while I appreciate Georgia's predicament (which they are at least 50% responsible for themselves) a World War Three is not a great solution.

Nobody has clean hands here--including us--but if someone is going to intervene it has to be Europe first. People are comparing this to Germany and the Sudetenland (because you can't throw a stone in international politics without hitting a Nazi Germany analogy). But German appeasement by other local nations is not the same as appeasement by a superpower halfway around the world.

Still, if Russia keeps trying to flex its collective nuts, eastern Europe is going to get a whole lot messier in the near future. It's so nice that I can come full circle and revisit my childhood fear of nuclear annihilation.

They Got That Right

I finally got to see The Dark Knight this week. And boy is that title apt. I'm still developing my thoughts but I have a feeling it was really, really good.

The strangest thing is how much publicity and promotion the movie had, in comparison to the tone and overall theme of the movie. I know the two (marketing and actual production) aren't inherently related, but it seems a tad incongruous. When Dominos has commercials where their delivery person is battling to get the Joker a pizza, and then you see the movie where the Joker is a goddamn psychopath, you have to wonder what they're thinking with that ad campaign.

I won't really say more, on the off chance that some of you folks haven't seen it yet, but it's a dark freakin' movie, kids. It is full of principle and moral ambiguity and the nature of evil, and I think may end up being one of the best movies of all time (though not as good as the idiocracy that populates IMDB seems to think). I'm sure by now there is plenty of anti-Dark Knight opinion, but being fairly new to the discussion I'm not seeing that. I'm just sort of amazed.

I will add this: there have been murmurings that the Joker is being too well-received by fans of the movie, that he is being propped up as an anti-hero of sorts. To that I say: don't be a moron. Batman is an "anti-hero". The Joker is just a goddamn nutjob. I can see where this movie might appeal to the pro-anarchy crowd, though, and I will confess that for the first time in my life, I thought as I was watching, "I hope some idiot kids don't take this too seriously."

Oh, and that whole "what's with Batman's voice" debate? Totally overrated. I thought it was fine and completely necessary. Christian Bale/Bruce Wayne has a fairly distinct voice, and it would be beyond stupid if he were talking to everybody without trying to disguise it. But hey, people need something to gripe about, right?

Wanted: Business Acumen

One of the biggest reasons I believe I'll never make a killing with investments, or real estate, or any of those power-broker Wall Street type things, is that everytime I hear "Fannie Mae" I think they're talking about candy.

Housing crises be damned, I want some chocolate nut fudge.

Real Old Testament, Wrath-of-God Type Meme

You know what? I don't think I ever posted this, for whatever reason. Revived from the dead, it's... this thing!

ANGER

1. Who did you last get angry with?
My non-boss, because I did what my real boss wanted and pissed him off. Sometimes my job sucks.

2. What is your weapon of choice?
Sulking. But, you know, manly sulking. Lots of steely looks and narrowing of the eyes.

3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
Only in a life-or-death situation, maybe. My momma didn’t raise me to beat on no wimmins.

4. How about of the same sex?
Sure. I try not to. But I’m not a pacifist, I’m just not in punching situations very often. I consider that a good thing.

5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
It depends on what you mean by "really angry". Now that I'm not in a relationship, it doesn't happen too often.

6. What is your pet peeve?
Inattention. Pay attention for god’s sake.

7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
If it’s minor I don’t. If it’s major it’s not a grudge, the person is no good and I will disassociate myself. That’s not holding a grudge, in my book.

SLOTH

1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a while?
Floss. I hate it.

2. What is the latest you've ever woken up?
I don’t know, 2 p.m. maybe? It was during college I’m sure. After a point “late” and “early” sort of switch spots.

3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't:
A couple people from law school, perhaps. Otherwise I feel like my friends are around if I need them or they need me.

4. What is the last lame excuse you made?
I called in sick today! But I'm only under the weather, not disaster-sick. That's not very lame. Sorry.

5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones...)?
I used to watch the “AM Gold” Time/Life commercials for music, to get ideas about what I wanted to steal from the Internet.

6. When was the last time you got a good workout in?
About 10 days ago. I am currently recovering from a minor workout-related injury and thus not running until back to 100%.

7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?
5 or 6 times, but I knew I wasn't going anywhere today. Sick day!

GLUTTONY

1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
I buy those Chai Tea Lattes too often. $3.80 a pop! Some unborn child of mine will be going to Devry because of this habit.

2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat?
As long as it’s cooked, I don’t really care. Though I guess white, in a pinch.

3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
I’m not a superdrinker or anything. Probably 5 or 6 pints of beer. It’s a lot, for me.

4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?
What, like Jenny Craig? Of course not.

5. Do you have an issue with your weight?
"Issue" is a bit melodramatic, but I still need to lose about 10 pounds.

6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods?
Sweets.

7. Have you ever looked at a small housepet or child and thought, "LUNCH?"
Hah, okay. Somebody couldn’t think of a 7th question?

LUST

1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)?
I’m assuming this also means opposite sex (i.e. locker rooms do not count), and any degree of nudity (boobs or more) so… lemme think on that for a moment. Crap I forgot about strippers. I’m going to have to ballpark it to around 25 people.

2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)?
A lot less than the above number. Less than 10, I suppose.

3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation?
I’m a guy. Of course I have.

4. Have you "done it"?
This is classic. No, but I assume by “it” you mean “shot someone in with a telescopic rifle from more than 300 yards away”.

5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
Neck. If we’re not being obvious and saying like, boobs.

6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
Not to my knowledge. I’ve never waited so long that she had to ask me. Hiyo!

7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy?
No, I’ve never “had” to get tested. But I have been.

GREED

1. How many credit cards do you own?
Straight-out credit cards? Technically one, but I don’t know how to make it work (my debit card has “credit” somehow). So for all practical purposes, zero. It’s how I roll.

2. What's your guilty pleasure store?
Best Buy. But don’t by peripheral cables there, man.

3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it?
Pay off a bunch of stuff, and then a bunch of stuff owed by people I like. Then probably put it in some low-yield investment account.

4. Would you rather be rich, or famous?
Rich. Then if I wanted to be famous, I could probably make it happen. But fame without wealth means you’re either incredibly smart or ambitious, or you’re a bank robber.

5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
It depends on how long I’d have to keep it. Right now, yes, I probably would.

6. Have you ever stolen anything?
Online music. And a couple movies. And the hearts of a nation.

7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?
About 2,000. I recently housecleaned my computer, though, and lost a few hundred in the process.

PRIDE

1. What's one thing have you done that you're most proud of?
Identified badly-written meme questions. Oh look, I’ve done it again!

2. What's one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?
Probably going to law school. Though I bet “not asking them for money anymore” is a close second.

3. What's one thing would you like to accomplish in your life?
Right now I’d like to accomplish a mostly-debt-free existence.

4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
It depends. Is it a competition of many, or just 2? Because I don’t like losing, but I don’t mind being at the top of the heap (even if not first place).

5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
Like when I play cards with 5-year-old cousins? Sure. But with adults? I don’t think I’ve ever known for sure that I was gonna whup ass on everybody.

6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
Yep. But more elaboration, you do not get. It wasn’t the California Bar or anything.

7. What did you do today that you're proud of?
Not a damn thing. Though even if I weren't home today, my workload doesn't have anything pride-worthy. Just mundane this week.

ENVY

1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
Person? What, like somebody’s girlfriend or wife? That's harsh, Internet. I'm good with what I've got, currently.

2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
I don’t know what that is. Is that where people redecorate other people's houses? I guess I’d want to trade with somebody who has style.

3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
This is a weird question; if I wouldn’t be me, then what would it matter? And if I would be me, then in many cases (astronaut, pole vaulter, UN Secretary General) I would be unable to do the job, and I would instantly fail and/or die. So I say, me but with about $250k in the bank.

4. Have you ever been cheated on?
Hmm. Maybe, but not by anyone that mattered. At least not to my actual knowledge.

5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
Sure. What am I, a narcissist?

6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
(More) confidence.

7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey?
Not even a little bit.

8. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin?
Lust baby.

A Bunch of Songs That I Once Thought Were Great/Deep/Sad, But Got Tired of For Some Reason.

That's a mouthful!*

Angel Eyes - Jeff Healey's hit 1989 love song. The lyrics are pretty stupid and I think it was covered by some Australian chick fairly recently. On the upside, Jeff Healey is blind and therefore marginally cooler than most musicians who name their bands after themselves. But, Bonus Lame Points: it was used in "Road House", and you all know how I feel about that cinema gem.

Lady in Red - When I was a kid (i.e. 12 or 13) I thought this was a hugely poetic. Now, time and a healthy dose of cynicism has made me want to punch Chris deBurgh in the face. Plus, the song doesn't make any sense. Everybody apparently wants to be with this chick, but she wants to be with the singer, who sounds like a completely useless tool. Wait, is she a hooker? Did I miss that subtext?

At Last - Yes, the song played at many (many, many) a wedding. Etta James does it justice (better than Nat King Cole) and the first time I heard it was in a nuptial-less vacuum. I specifically remember thinking, "Wow, people should play this at weddings or something!"

Don't Speak - I was a fan of No Doubt just before they become super famous, and at the time I was embroiled in typically lame high school angst. Before this song got sizable radio airplay, I thought it was powerful and reflected the feelings I had for some girl, who liked my best friend, but he was with somebody else, or something. I'm having trouble recalling the details, which clearly speaks to the weight of the matter. Gigantic Internet-only eye roll.

I Can't Make You Love Me - You know what? I still like this song. I'm not a huge Bonnie Raitt fan, because country music is of course horrible, but I'll make an exception for this. It is, in truth of fact, a good song. Compare it to something like Leann Rimes' "How Do I Live" which is overwrought and insipid.

Breathe (2AM) - I thought this was pretty good when it first came out, and I still have no idea who this Anna Nalick person is, but it was quickly overplayed. It may still be a good song, but it needs a few years of non-rotation before I'll stop Next Track'ing it on the iPod.

The Blower's Daughter - I still think this song is almost over-the-top in its sadness quotient, but then I was on BART and some dude (seriously) had it as his ringtone. The subsequent douchebag-association has been just too powerful to overcome.

I thought this would be a longer list, but I never legitimately liked the other songs I could put on here. I thought of the idea when "All I Wanna Do is Make Love..." came on the radio this morning. But that song is pretty crappy, and I've never liked it. Go figure.

*That's what she said.