October 8, 2007

Dear Chelsey [sic],

Some spam I got today (Gmail caught it, but I check anyway just in case):
My name is chelsey. I found your email on that dating site.
I also love sex on the side. I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week.
If you are interested and wanna see my pictures just email me at (whocares).
Don`t reply, use the email above (my boyfriend doesn't know about that email!)

And now, a critical analysis of "Letter from Chelsey, 10/7/07".

First of all, nobody spells "Chelsea" like that, do they? But maybe that's to get around the aforementioned spam filter.

Two: "that dating site". The odds are fairly good that the recipient of spam is registered, either now or in the past, at some dating site. Wouldn't it be more convincing to put "Match.com" or "eHarmony", even if you end up missing the mark in some cases?

If you have a loving boyfriend working 16 hour days, I bet he is doing that because he wants to be financially stable. For you! It's pretty bitchy of you to seek out "sex on the side" (and yikes, what a terrible way to phrase it) in this particular instance. Your come-on would be more tempting if you were less of a jerk.

So, in the interests of receiving more entertaining spam email, I propose the following changes:
Hi! My name is Chelsea, and I found your profile on Match.com but couldn't send you a message through their system.
Here's the thing: your picture was very cute, and I am currently trapped in a loveless marriage with a husband that is cheating on me.
I want revenge, and I want some physical interaction with someone who doesn't smell like cheap perfume from "working late at the office".
Let me know if you're up for it. My email is (whatever).

Isn't that slightly better? If I were on Match.com, and active, this would have at least a marginal shot at convincing me to "click further". Better than chelsey's bordeline-illiterate missive, anyway.

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